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09 January 2010 @ 03:16 pm
How Not to Narrate, by Harry Lockhart [Harry/Watson, PG-13]  
Title: How Not to Narrate, by Harry Lockhart
Author: igrab
Pairing: Harry/Watson (with implied Harry/Perry because I can't help myself)
Written For: xtinethepirate, request: Watson/Harry --- the fine art of narration. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. and I totally did.
Word Count: 845
Rating: PG-13 for excessive use of the word 'fuck'.
Notes: first time doing the harry-narrates thing.


It's kind of become a joke, you know, that I can't tell stories without sticking my foot in my mouth or whatever, and there's only two things you can do, really - get really fucking fed up or laugh about it. So we laugh about it. I'd get a little annoyed that I'm always the butt of every joke but, let's face it, I really kind of suck. And I think Perry kind of thinks it's cute, anyway, or he wouldn't put up with me. Which doesn't make any sense, but that's Perry for you, he's like the dictionary definition of tough love. He made me read the dictionary, so I know.

See, there I go again. Wasn't this supposed to be only a hundred words? How the fuck are you supposed to keep track of your word count when you're telling a story, anyway? You just gotta tell it like it is, and how it is, is that Perry and Harmony keep making stupid jokes about how I can't narrate and how I should read... stuff... oh fuck what's it called, where it's not just some guy saying 'this person did this, this person did that', but he's all 'and then i did this and we did that', because apparently that's what I do. But it is, you know, what happens, and that's the stories I tell, even they're not true. But whatever. You get the point.

We all went to see Sherlock Holmes - the premiere, you know, it's fucking Gay Perry so he got us in and Harmony really loves that guy, you know, the guy who plays Holmes, he's a real nutcase but I think she thinks he's hot. Whatever. He was okay.

But let me tell you - and I'm not going to pussyfoot around with this, okay, the facts are the facts - the other guy? Watson or whatever? He was hot. In that stupid trussed up British kind of way, and yeah, maybe I have something for guys who can't say I love you like a normal person (It's too easy for me, jesus, if I'd been Holmes I would've just barged in like YOU CAN'T MARRY HER. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. WHY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. CHRIST.) and maybe it's just Jude Law, like. Hell. Okay we're going to stop talking about this, it's perfectly okay for a mostly-straight guy to have a huge hardon for Jude Law. Perfectly. Okay.

God, where was I even? This is way too fucking long. Uh, let's see. Narrating. Watson. RIGHT. So after the movie, Harmony and Perry (who are all talking like these characters are their close personal friends, like, hello I'm still here guys and I have no idea what waterfalls have to do with anything!) tell me that the books that the movie's based on (and, by the way, am I the only person who didn't know that Sherlock Holmes wasn't a real person? Fuck me. Let's carry on.) are all written in - FIRST PERSON, that's it. Like, Watson's telling the entire story.

I've never spent money on a book in my entire life. Not even the Johnny Gossamer books, uh, yeah well they were cheap as shit anyway, no one would've missed them. But I will tell you, right now, that the day after seeing that movie, I went to the bookstore - a Barnes and Noble, for fuck's sake, SO MANY BOOKS - and I bought The Complete Sherlock Holmes.

Which is not fucking complete, by the way, how was I supposed to know that there were two volumes? Can they say "The First Half of Sherlock Holmes", or something? Is that too much to ask?

Anyway, I went home, sat down. Messed around on the internet because Perry was hovering and I didn't want him getting on my case for buying an actual book, fuck you very much, dear. But then he had to get to a meeting, and I could read.

There really wasn't any point to this story, now that I think about it. I did nothing but read Sherlock Holmes in my free time for the next two weeks. You know what it got me? An even bigger inferiority complex, and a boner that refuses to leave. And my narrating is still shit.

But I'm just putting this out there, any time Jude Law wants to drop by in his Watson costume and give me a real lesson on the fine art of narration, my door is always open. Well, Perry's. And it isn't always open, so he'd have to knock. But I would open it so, so fast.

if you liked that, try these:
All I Ever Wanted . Flawless Victory
 
 
 
Alejandradieewigenacht on January 11th, 2010 06:24 pm (UTC)
and I bought The Complete Sherlock Holmes.

Which is not fucking complete, by the way, how was I supposed to know that there were two volumes? Can they say "The First Half of Sherlock Holmes", or something? Is that too much to ask?


Yeah Harry, I feel your pain.
➵ she walks in starlight: kkbb / what were you thinking?!igrab on January 11th, 2010 06:25 pm (UTC)
I totally did that too. fuck you, b&n.
(no subject) - azure_horizon on February 4th, 2010 03:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Пруkate_swynford on January 11th, 2010 06:48 pm (UTC)
Wonderful, very funny and very true to Harry's "narrative style". :)
➵ she walks in starlight: kkbb / happy gay endingigrab on January 11th, 2010 11:38 pm (UTC)
thank you very much, I was quite worried about that XD
Anna: kkbb_h+pbeeinmybonnet on January 11th, 2010 07:08 pm (UTC)
DO NOT WORRY, YOU DID FINE, DEAR.

Oh, god, Harry, the meta, the Sherlock Holmes crossover. I feel like I should worship the ground you walk on, at least a little. This is so, so amazing. ♥♥

➵ she walks in starlight: rdj / EEEEEEEEEEEEEEigrab on January 11th, 2010 11:27 pm (UTC)
klfjdsg thank you, i really was very worried, especially since i read some other amazing crossover fic at... some point. but anyway you can blame xtinethepirate for the whole crossover idea in the first place - ALL HER FAULT, REALLY.
shadythoughtsshadythoughts on January 11th, 2010 07:43 pm (UTC)
'I did nothing but read Sherlock Holmes in my free time for the next two weeks. You know what it got me? An even bigger inferiority complex, and a boner that refuses to leave.'
Hahahahah!
➵ she walks in starlight: holmes / happy readingigrab on January 11th, 2010 11:49 pm (UTC)
glad you liked!! XD
Jesscsi_sanders1129 on January 11th, 2010 10:17 pm (UTC)
I am guilty of falling into B&N's trap as well. 'WTF THIS IS NOT ALL OF THE STORIES! WHERE ISTHE REST OF-...Oh.' -_-
Kohaku: RDJ_KKBB_<3 OMGkohaku1977 on January 11th, 2010 10:49 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, oh, I love this!

God, you made me laugh more than once! Awesome. And fabulous last sentence. <3

*mems*
➵ she walks in starlight: rdj / EEEEEEEEEEEEEEigrab on January 11th, 2010 11:48 pm (UTC)
klsjfddg glad you liked it, bb!
noctuabunda: harry by xheartrockxnoctuabunda on January 11th, 2010 11:27 pm (UTC)
What a great little ficlet! So much babbling about essentially nothing, and I was amused throughout the fic. You have the Harry-talk down pat!
God, where was I even? This is way too fucking long. And the whole paraggraph after that. Because this is one freaking long sentence there, elegantly spanning five lines, and exactly how I imagine Harry's thinking. XD
➵ she walks in starlight: kkbb / happy gay endingigrab on January 11th, 2010 11:56 pm (UTC)
thank you very much! i was quite nervous about it XD so glad you enjoyed. even if it literally has no point at all.
tonks07: Watsontonks07 on January 12th, 2010 02:19 am (UTC)
Haha this is awesome! You did a real good job with Harry's wacked up style and I was grinning the whole time I was reading. =)
~: rainbowauctorial on January 12th, 2010 11:11 pm (UTC)
Harmony really loves that guy, you know, the guy who plays Holmes, he's a real nutcase but I think she thinks he's hot. Whatever. He was okay.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

OH GOD OH GOD I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. THIS IS SO PERFECT AND SO HARRY AND OF COURSE HE HAS A GIGANTIC BONER FOR JUDE LAW OMG. and what makes it 100 times better is that I can hear RDJ saying all of this in my head and can you tell the narration bits of KKBB are my favourite?

Okay, I have all the evidence I need now to attest that you're a fantastic writer, so write some RDJude already. xP
➵ she walks in starlight: rdjude / *fangirl squeal!*igrab on January 12th, 2010 11:41 pm (UTC)
let's be friends, lady |D

asjdsfh i am working on it. sort of??? got distracted starting a stark/holmes fic, but like. i did start something. it just got weird and honestly, some of the things i was trying to get across you actually managed to do in a much better way, so. might just scrap it and start over with fluff. because i may be a decent writer but it's so hard for me to write porn, and that's what i really, really wish i could write with these two. damn. so, no porn from me, but maybe cute and snark and funny? yeah i can do that.
(no subject) - auctorial on January 13th, 2010 03:44 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - igrab on January 13th, 2010 04:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - auctorial on January 13th, 2010 05:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - igrab on January 13th, 2010 06:42 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - auctorial on January 13th, 2010 07:06 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - igrab on January 13th, 2010 07:13 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - auctorial on January 13th, 2010 07:58 am (UTC) (Expand)
Julie Frost, SFF writer: Elementaryagilebrit on January 13th, 2010 02:52 am (UTC)
OMG ILU.

(It's too easy for me, jesus, if I'd been Holmes I would've just barged in like YOU CAN'T MARRY HER. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. WHY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. CHRIST.)

and

(and, by the way, am I the only person who didn't know that Sherlock Holmes wasn't a real person? Fuck me. Let's carry on.)

Comedy GOLD. You are a genius.
➵ she walks in starlight: holmes / this happens a lotigrab on January 13th, 2010 03:28 am (UTC)
kijjfsdgdsk thank you so much!! glad you liked and seriously, that was my thought too. holmes, just give it up. it would make everything SO much better.
sunnyd_lite: IrisYsunnyd_lite on January 13th, 2010 03:08 am (UTC)
FUN!
pensive1 on January 13th, 2010 03:41 am (UTC)
if I'd been Holmes I would've just barged in like YOU CAN'T MARRY HER. FOR FUCK'S SAKE. WHY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. CHRIST.

RIGHT!!!? Harry, you speak truth.

Also, that mental image. Gold.
➵ she walks in starlight: holmes / this never happensigrab on January 13th, 2010 04:10 am (UTC)
seriously, that's what should have happened. but then the movie would've been much less interesting. well, okay that's a lie, but the interesting would have been... different. and possibly unwanted, if watson was D8 about it.
(no subject) - pensive1 on January 13th, 2010 04:16 am (UTC) (Expand)
Luxuria_Oceanus: KKBB: Definition of Idiotluxuria_oceanus on January 15th, 2010 05:46 am (UTC)
Absolute perfection. It's like re-watching the movie, then there's a pause at the ending, fast forward and you get this. Harry. HARRY. Speaking to us in that hilarious way he always does. Seriously, you've made me nostalgic for the movie, again. Thank you *.*
➵ she walks in starlight: kkbb / happy gay endingigrab on January 18th, 2010 06:37 am (UTC)
Aw, you're welcome. I had never seen it until, like, two weeks ago, and since then I've watched it six times. Not even kidding. Almost wish I was, because I would be less pathetic, but it is also THE BEST MOVIE EVER, so really i don't mind.

I have a followup that I've started, somewhere...
that chick over there: Caffrey and Burkewornoutbirks on January 17th, 2010 11:45 pm (UTC)
this was completely adorable and so very, very Harry. Oh, my. And yes, I agree with him completely, Jude Law makes it perfectly OK for a straight man to get a boner at the sight of another man. Dear Lord, is he pretty.

Anyway, loved this so much.
➵ she walks in starlight: kkbb / bam makeouts!igrab on January 18th, 2010 07:13 am (UTC)
Thank you very, very much! So glad you loved it. And I'm pretty sure Jude Law defies sexuality. But I'm very sure that RDJ does, as I have the testaments of several straight men to prove it. ;D
(no subject) - wornoutbirks on January 18th, 2010 10:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
is it wrong to wish on space hardware?: [sh]greenapricot on January 21st, 2010 02:35 am (UTC)
I have no idea how I got here, but I'm really really glad I did because this is brilliant. Such delightfully perfect Harry voice. It made me grin and chuckle and I'm still grinning.